Within, Without
by SunnyDAndRum
Summary: They stopped taking care of him. Now they're all paying the price, especially Kendall. Kames.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N thanks so much to all the people who favourited my Jagan oneshot, and even more to all the fantastic people who left fantastic reviews! so I present to you Within, Without, in which Kendall is in love, Logan is understanding, Carlos is Carlos, and James gets himself into a sticky situation. Hahaha :) this was meant to be just a side project to Boom but it got a bit bigger than that!**

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* * *

**The day had gone from bad to worse.

James was drifting away from the group, it seemed. Kendall couldn't fathom why, but he did know he, Logan, and Carlos weren't exactly doing anything to pull James back down to earth, back to 2J, back to them.

Rehearsals had gone badly.

Gustavo was in a worse mood than usual, Kelly was out sick, Kendall was suffering from his allergies, Logan and Carlos were having some petty argument about laundry detergent and how to best fry chicken, and James, well, James was standing slightly apart from the rest of them, looking at his hands, seeming anxious and even slightly afraid.

Kendall wanted to ask him what was wrong. James' lack of confidence was as scary as rushing at the edge of a cliff at a hundred and fifty an miles per hour; it wasn't supposed to happen and more to the point, how did it happen? Why was James so upset? But every time Kendall opened his mouth, Gustavo yelled and everyone began to bicker.

It was natural that being together this much sometimes caused arguments. Back in Minnesota, they could retreat to their own homes, their own private lives. Here, there was no such thing; they lived together, sang together, performed together. Essentially they breathed together. The loss of one of their members would be too tragic to even take into scope. It was just unfathomable to Kendall – and that was exactly the reason he wanted to ask James what was wrong.

Kendall never got to ask.

Kendall was too late.

* * *

"Where's James?" Logan demanded. "We're supposed to be working on our science project tonight."

"I don't know," Carlos snapped. Even Carlos was feeling antsy, a sure sign something wicked was about to happen. Kendall mused quietly to himself; he hoped James was alright. Although he didn't like to admit it (didn't like to admit that he wasn't batting for the same team he was when he was dating Jo), James had been the biggest part of his world for the better half of five or six months now.

It was the little things Kendall had noticed.

Habits that James had were no longer annoying to him, but endearing. At first he thought he'd just gotten used to them, then realised he actually liked them whenever James was forced to stop tapping his hands against his knees or flicking his hair around in rehearsals.

"Kendall, do you know where he is?"

"No," Kendall said softly. "He was pretty upset at rehearsals."

"Why?" He could tell he'd made his friends anxious and guilty, and for that he felt guilty himself, because that hadn't been his intention. They'd asked him and he'd told it like he saw it.

"I don't know. He just seemed really anxious and scared. I tried to ask him but Gustavo kept yelling."

"I'm sure he's-"

They rounded the corner to find James pressed against the wall, lips planted firmly against another guy's. Another guy's, and Kendall's heart gave a feeble splutter and then shriveled up. He had never even known James was that way inclined, let alone interested in… dogs, he thought, for lack of a better word. The guy was slobbering down James' neck now, and Kendall's vision turned red; he was marking that beautiful, tan, spotless column.

"Don't," James protested, but it was a soft protest.

"I thought you said you wanted an outlet. You know, because you can't tell your friends."

The guy's hand moved down.

"Hey!" Kendall yelled, because when it came down to it, his yelling voice was almost as good as his singing voice. He wasn't captain of the hockey team for no reason.

It had the desired effect; the guy jerked back, and Kendall saw it was a giant of a man, black stubble, beady grey eyes and dark blonde hair. Kendall could see where James might like the looks of this guy, but at the same time was repulsed.

"Get off him," Kendall said.

"James, what the hell is going on?" Logan asked, stunned. James didn't respond, lowered his eyes to stare at the ground. The mere gesture awoke every protective urge Kendall had; he surged forward and grabbed James' arm, dragging him away.

"Don't ever come near him again," he snarled. "Ever. Or I'm calling the cops. He's only sixteen, how old are you, you sick fuck?"

"He was the one who contacted me," the man said, shrugging. "Not the other way around."

* * *

"Don't worry, James. There are all sorts of child protection laws that guy just violated. We'll get him back. In fact, I'll go grab my textbook on youth protection and defense systems in the legal court right now."

"And I'll go get some chocolate milk," Carlos said decisively.

Kendall's stomach knotted and unknotted itself. James still hadn't said anything and hadn't made eye contact with any of them. He was sticking close to Kendall, despite Kendall having let his arm go over fifteen minutes ago. Kendall definitely wasn't used to this, this neediness that James was expressing in every movement.

"James?" he questioned softly.

"I'm going to the bathroom," James said. He walked away and shut the door to the bathroom quietly; Kendall shifted on the spot, unsure of what to do. He could hear Logan mumbling to himself and making notes, and Carlos attempting to make dinosaur chicken without blowing anything up. He was getting good at it.

Kendall sat blankly at the table for a good half hour before he realised he could hear muffled noises coming under the door. Logan had long since begun the science project, sending out a prickly aura at James not helping. It wasn't Logan's fault that that was his pet peeve; Kendall didn't blame him for being angry about doing the project alone. James had been putting it off for weeks now, and it was a big assignment.

He stood and headed to the bathroom door, knocking softly. The noises stopped and Kendall came to the realization that he had never seen James leave the bathroom.

"James?" he asked softly.

There was no answer.

Kendall opened the door and walked in, quickly closing it behind him, before anybody could see in, and locking it. He saw that James was resting in the corner made by the bath and the counter; with their ridged surfaces, he couldn't have been comfortable, sitting with his legs pulled to his chest and his arms wrapped around his knees. He didn't look at Kendall when he came in.

"It's me," Kendall said softly. "Kendall."

James didn't move, and Kendall knelt. Unsure of what to do now, he laid a hand gently on James' hair and stroked it softly. The strangled noises stopped, and Kendall felt like a huge burden had been released from his shoulders with the action. He was helping James feel better. If only a little.

James suddenly raised his head and wiped at his eyes; Kendall stayed where he was, stunned when he saw James' guyliner smeared. He had never seen his best friend and love interest look anything less than perfect. With it came a broken sort of beautiful. Kendall realised that it didn't matter whether James was bald or perfect looking – Kendall would always find him beautiful.

"Sorry," James whispered.

"What for?"

"That guy." He looked at Kendall and the tears had started again; Kendall kept palming his hair. "I called him. He slipped me his number a while ago and he seemed nice. I was just lonely, Kendall. You have Jo and Logan has Camille and Carlos has Stephanie. And I don't have anybody."

"I didn't know you were gay," Kendall blurted. "And me and Jo broke up a long time ago, remember?"

"I know." James' lips trembled in distress. "And I've been gay since I was fourteen. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Everyone's entitled to their secrets," Kendall said. He moved closer to James and raised a hand to his face gently, carefully, not wanting to scare him. James watched Kendall's eyes as Kendall gently wiped his eyes with his thumbs.

"You had it all over you."

"Thanks." James kept rubbing at his eyes.

"Did you want him to do that?" Kendall asked James softly.

"At first." James was looking more and more upset the more and more they spoke. "And then I changed my mind. But he wouldn't stop. And then you came." James looked at him with something almost akin to admiration in his eyes. "Thanks, Kendall."

"Carlos and Logan were freaking out," Kendall said. "Maybe you should-"

"I can't tell them! They'd hate me."

"I didn't," Kendall pointed out.

"You're Kendall," James said in a muffled voice. His head was back in his arms.

"Well, I'm not gonna force you. You know that." Kendall smiled at James, but it felt a little bit forced. An unhappy James was as out-of-the-ordinary as a slobby Logan. It didn't happen that often and when it did, it changed the dynamic between them drastically.

"On the other hand," Kendall said, "you should really come out."

"Why?" He saw James rub the side of his neck and his blood came to the surface and began to boil when he saw a dark purple hickey resided there. He pulled out a band aid and began to open it.

"Logan's working on that science assignment and he's freaking out. You know what he's like." Kendall peeled the paper off the band aid and smoothed it down over James' bruise, to save him the questions Logan and Carlos would undoubtedly have if he did. For just a second, he let his hand rest there. He was amazed by how pale his skin was in contrast with James' skin, and at the same time amazed by how much of James' neck his palm could cover.

"Kendall?" James asked him quietly.

"Sorry. If you don't want me to – well, I'd understand."

James shook his head. "I don't mind. It's not that. I just… never mind. I'm gonna go help Logan. Thanks, though, for cheering me up."

Kendall stood as James did. "I made you cry more," he pointed out, feeling wracked with guilt over it.

James shrugged. "I would have sat in here all night if you hadn't come in and got me," he said quietly. "So I guess I forgive you." James smiled at him, and Kendall felt a bit better now that the balance was shifted back to normal. He smiled back at James as he left the bathroom.

James quietly approached the table Logan was sitting at with his folder and pencil case and slid into a chair. Logan jumped, startled because James wasn't making nearly as much noise as he usually did. "Hey," he said.

"Hi." James smiled at him but Logan could tell he'd been crying. "Sorry, Logan."

"Don't worry about it," Logan said with a smile. James could have all sorts of psychological scars from tonight and he had no intention of making it worse. "Let's just get this done so we can watch the hockey game, yeah?"

James nodded and picked up the scissors. They worked in companionable silence, listening to Kendall and Carlos argue about whether Batman or Spiderman was better, with Kendall voting for Spiderman and Carlos voting for Batman.

"Why do they do that?" James asked suddenly.

"Do what?"

"Tack "man" onto the end of every superhero's name. I mean, how do the people in movies and TV even know it's a man? It could be a woman."

"Well, they don't, but we do because we're exposed to dramatic irony. We see them in costume and out, so we have the insight to know that they're men. I suppose."

"What's dramatic irony?"

"I'll tell you tomorrow," Logan said with a laugh, because if he kept talking it would lead into all sorts of other weird questions that only James was capable of thinking up. It was what he liked about James; talking with him always tested Logan's knowledge.

Half an hour later, James felt a pair of hands descend on his shoulders and turned to find Kendall standing behind him, peering over his shoulder. "Are you guys done?" he complained.

"I don't know. Logan, are we done?"

Logan was chewing the inside of his cheek as he cut a tiny sliver of cardboard off the project. "We are now!" he said proudly.

"Good!" Kendall said.

Logan stared at Kendall for a moment; he had never seen Kendall hold James' shoulders like that before, kneading them subtly through James' shirt. And, what was stranger, James didn't seem to find it weird at all.

Then again, Logan mused, it would make sense if James, in the aftermath of what had happened this afternoon, felt safe around Kendall. Kendall had been the one who had saved him, essentially, from the other man; now that he thought about it, James had been sticking pretty close to Kendall all night. It wasn't unusual for assault victims to suddenly glomp onto the person they thought most likely to defend them. Kendall was definitely that person. Of course Logan and Carlos would defend James as well, but of all of them, Kendall had the shortest temper and the biggest fists – especially when it came to his friends.

Still, Logan reflected, he had never seen Kendall look at James like that before.

* * *

**A/N trying something a little different. This ISN'T established Kames – it's one of those how-they-got-together fics. **

**During this fic I was listening to "My Skin" by Natalie Merchant, "Teardrop" by Massive Attack and "Videotape" by Radiohead. They really set the mood :)**

**Reviews are love!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N $#$&*! you guys have no idea how close i was to forgetting to upload this, shit! i was like "there's something i need to do!" and i did my homework and then i went OMFG and actually got up and turned the computer back on JUST TO UPLOAD THIS FOR YOU. so. SECOND CHAPTER! Lots of fluffiness and a lot less angst. I was in a good mood when I wrote this! :D**

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James arose from sleep at one in the morning, unable to shake the feel of the larger man, Tim, pressing a knee up between his legs. He felt dirty, he felt disgusting, he felt violated, and his clothes hadn't even come off.

He didn't understand why this had to happen to him. He didn't understand why he hadn't just taken Kendall aside and told him how he felt, told him that he felt scared, lost, alone, afraid, instead of calling that man. He didn't understand why he was being so stupid about all of this. It wasn't as if he was some baby that needed looking after.

It was embarrassing enough that Kendall had seen him sobbing into his knees in the bathroom, and he didn't know how Kendall felt about him being gay. He knew that Kendall didn't seem to mind, but he never knew if one day Kendall would break and disown him.

James pressed a fist to his mouth in distress, feeling tears burn in his eyes. Between his legs felt violated, and he felt fragile, like a dam about to burst. He swung his legs out of bed, knowing he was about to cry and not wanting to wake Kendall… not wanting Kendall to hear.

But once he was out of bed, his thighs together and his feet on the ground, not swathed in blankets to ward off the chilly air, he felt normal again, like his hysteria was coming under control and he wasn't going to break down and cry again. He felt like maybe he was going back to normal as soon as he stood up – a blessing.

He tiptoed past Kendall and out to the bathroom, turning on the tap and washing his face. He looked back up at his reflection; there was fear lurking behind his eyes and his hair was mussed, sitting every which way on his head. He combed it with his fingers, returning it to its usual state of near perfection.

He had begun to shake, and he didn't know why. He didn't like the feeling of helplessness that had suddenly crowded his head, forced its way into him, and he didn't like feeling so afraid. He felt like there were no walls around him, that anybody could get to him just by tapping on the door. He didn't like feeling like he was one person against the rest of the world.

He wished Kendall was at his side. Kendall made him feel safe, which was ridiculous. James was easily taller and probably marginally stronger than Kendall, so it didn't make sense to him that Kendall was the one he trusted the most, not himself.

"You don't have to do that."

James jumped and saw Kendall in the mirror, rubbing his face sleepily. He peered at James with his green eyes, shuffling in to him. Kendall's hair looked good when he had a bedhead. James thought it was cute.

"It's the middle of the night," Kendall said. "Don't worry about fixing your hair now. You can do it in the morning."

James nodded and looked back down at the sink. Kendall laid a hand on his back and peered at the side of James' face carefully. "Couldn't sleep?" he asked gently. He was rubbing circles up and down James' spine, getting right in between his shoulder blades and pressing.

James shook his head. The hysteria was back and seemed to be flooding his system with fear; to his humiliation, his fist raised and he pressed it over his mouth, biting down on his middle knuckle. Kendall stared at him worriedly, kept rubbing his back.

"James, James, it's okay," he murmured.

James shook his head, closing his eyes.

"James…" Kendall didn't know what to say to his taller friend. James was clearly upset, about to cry, and Kendall didn't want to bear witness to that. James was so strong that him crying would be like watching a thousand-year-old-tree topple to the ground – tragic.

James let out a half-sob through his fist, and Kendall sped up the rubbing of his hand. "James, James, James," he said frantically, knowing that his panic was probably carrying over onto James and making the situation worse. "James, it's okay, I'm here."

James calmed immediately, but still shook. A few tears slipped out of his eyes. Kendall blinked at the sudden calm.

"It's okay," he murmured, feeling much calmer himself. "You're safe here. Nothing bad is gonna happen to you. He's not around. I'm here, okay? I'm here."

James nodded and wiped at his eyes, finally releasing his knuckle from his mouth. Kendall kept rubbing his back and James straightened up slowly, still trembling and feeling like all the energy had been zapped from his body. It was a comfort to him that Kendall was there, that Kendall was going to protect him. Even though he hadn't said it, James still felt that it was true – Kendall wasn't going to let anybody hurt him. Not after the stint in the hallway.

"Thanks, Kendall," he croaked.

Kendall lifted one shoulder and smiled at him warmly. He didn't seem weirded out by James being gay, didn't seem to mind that he was freaking out and panicking and crying over what seemed to be nothing.

"Come on, let's watch a movie," Kendall said.

"Kendall, you don't have to stay up with me." But James went pink when he said it, because it really would be nice if Kendall sat up with him to watch a movie. It would be nice to have just him and Kendall time, not him and Kendall and Logan and Carlos and Mama Knight and Katie time. He enjoyed being in Kendall's company alone.

"Yes I do." Kendall looked at him seriously. "You're going through a lot. I'm your best friend and it's my job to be here for you. Besides, going back to bed won't do me any good. I'll just be lying awake wondering if you're okay."

James nodded, feeling a bit choked up. He was overwhelmed by how much Kendall cared about him, even if it was just in a brotherly sense. It would never be enough for James but at the same time, it was enough to keep him around. He wished he could make up his mind or get over Kendall or something, just so it didn't feel like a constant repetition of emotions – sadness, hope, anger, sadness, hope, anger – because he didn't want to be like this.

He didn't want to love someone who would never love him back.

Kendall smiled at him. "Come on. There's gotta be something on. We'll finish the ice cream, too." He pulled James out of the room and went straight to the kitchen, looking for bowls.

"Ice cream at this time of night is bad for my complexion," James said.

"It's not gonna kill you, James. Come on." Kendall smiled. "Just a few bites?"

"…Okay."

* * *

Kendall became aware of James' body sagging closer and closer to him as the night wore on. The shivering started at about half past one, the dead of night and only fifteen minutes into the movie. James wasn't asleep, just cold, or scared, Kendall couldn't tell which. Kendall couldn't fathom why James would be scared, in their own apartment at the dead of night while the rest of the world was sleeping, but Kendall knew it probably had something to do with that man. That man who he had the urge to physically hurt every time he thought of him.

He reached out and put his arm around James, opening up the invitation to snuggle into Kendall's side. He had never felt warmth such as James pressed against him; Kendall, who had liked James since before he broke up with Jo, reveled in having him close.

_This isn't the time to act on your feelings,_ he scolded himself. _He just came out, just got assaulted by a guy, and I don't care if James wanted to at first. He changed his mind and that makes it wrong. If I make a move on him now I'm taking advantage of him. He's vulnerable enough as it is, he's relying on me to keep him safe, to comfort him. If I take advantage of that I'm as bad as that guy back there._

James yawned quietly and snuggled closer under Kendall's arm, evidently enjoying the contact. His head was pressed halfway against Kendall's shoulder and halfway into Kendall's chest; Kendall could smell the shampoo and conditioner and countless other products in James' hair. He found he liked the smell.

"Do you want to go to bed?"

James shook his head. He was content sitting here with Kendall's arm around him, feeling a little less dirty and a little less violated. Kendall would never do anything like that to him, he knew that, and that in itself made him feel safe. Kendall had always protected him – when he was a small kid at school and bullies picked on him, Kendall was there. When he was in middle school and suddenly freakishly tall, Kendall was there. When he started to get, well, pretty, and started fussing over his hair and he had comments like "faggot" "fairy" "poofter" and "pansy" thrown at him, Kendall was there. Usually sitting beside him in detention, but still there.

He really liked Kendall. As a friend and a love interest. He thought that maybe that was why Kendall was a safe zone for him – Kendall had always been his friend first, not anything else, and was still more likely than any boyfriend to take care of him. He just wished, with all his heart and then some, that Kendall felt the same way about him.

He pressed his face closer to Kendall, hoping his blonde friend didn't mind the closeness, hoping he didn't feel awkward. The last thing James wanted was to drive Kendall away with something he couldn't help and didn't even really understand that well. Yeah, he liked guys, he got that part. But why couldn't he just be like everyone else? Why couldn't he like girls instead?

He decided not to ponder it, feeling the weight of Kendall's arm around his shoulders and knowing, sleepily, that somewhere along the line, this was beyond friendly hugging. They were snuggling, really, and James wanted to be closer to Kendall than this, but he didn't dare push it.

There was a thin line between being affectionate in a bromance manner and being affectionate in a truly romantic sense, and James had a feeling they were toeing the line – or maybe they'd already crossed it.

* * *

James fell asleep again at ten past two that morning, bunched up to Kendall and sighing softly in his sleep. James' body was so warm, so comforting next to his own, that Kendall almost fell asleep himself, sitting up with James curled half on his lap, half under his arm.

Eventually, though, he extradited himself from James and gently grasped his younger friend's shoulders. He lowered James to the couch and picked up his legs, laying them down as well so that James lay on his back on the couch.

Kendall swallowed almost by reflex, more of a gulp, and realised with a pang that he couldn't leave his sometimes-airheaded love interest lying on the couch in only a pair of sweatpants and a black wife beater.

He grabbed the pillow sitting in the corner and moved to James' head, unsure of how he was going to go about this. He took a deep breath, quietly, and slid his hand under James' neck, supporting his head. He stared for a moment; James hadn't moved, not an inch, and all that sandy hair was silky and warm against his palm, hanging back from the gravity.

Kendall freaking hated gravity.

Kendall placed the pillow there and gently set James' head down. He picked up a blanket and spread it over James carefully, tucking it around his legs and arms and shoulders. When his hand brushed James' cheek, James sighed in his sleep and turned into the touch, rolling onto his side.

_He's beautiful._

Kendall alarmed himself with the thought but decided not to stress too much. Everyone thought James was beautiful. Everyone knew James was beautiful. It wasn't as if James let anybody forget it for more than five minutes.

James sighed again and Kendall rubbed his arm before sneaking over to the computer. He went straight on Google and, taking a breath, typed his question.

_What is abuse and how does it affect people?_

_

* * *

_

It was still dark when James woke.

He felt unrested and irritable, realising he'd woken up twice that night at sporadic and weird times, not getting enough sleep. He frowned and rubbed a hand across his eyes.

"Hey, sleeping beauty."

He jumped when he saw Kendall sitting on the edge of the couch beside him. He had fallen asleep, and Kendall had evidently laid him down and covered him with a blanket. The thought made James blush and he was thankful for the oppressing darkness.

"I don't feel very beautiful," James mumbled. "I'm tired."

"That's alright. We've got the day off tomorrow, you can sleep in." James blinked up at him blearily, eyes glinting in the darkness. He let out a breath and let them slide shut, and Kendall unthinkingly reached out to stroke James' hair softly, gently. To his surprise, James didn't freak out and start jumping around looking for a comb and some hairspray, but just lay still, allowing Kendall's tender hand to smooth down over his hair.

"You must be tired," Kendall joked.

James nodded sleepily. Kendall felt a little guilty; James was never going to sleep properly on this horrible couch.

"Come on, James," he said. "Let's go back to bed."

"Perv," James muttered, swatting at him sleepily, and Kendall laughed.

"You aren't gonna be comfortable here all night."

"Mmm."

"Come on, James," he coaxed.

"No," James mumbled.

"I'll pick you up and carry you if you don't get up right now."

"Fine then."

Kendall was a bit stunned at that, and for a moment, he froze up. Carrying out his threat was sure to imply he liked James. Not carrying out the threat would do so even more but might save him straining his back under James' weight.

"Fine," Kendall said.

He slid his arms underneath James' knees and shoulders and lifted him with a huffing sound. "What do you eat, rocks?"

"The heaviest kind."

"Ha, ha. Get down."

"No. You said you'd carry me."

James felt like he belonged there, safe in Kendall's embrace, and Kendall felt like James belonged there, like his arms were the niche James sought out. He felt like even though he was carrying James' muscled body he could fly; this was how things were supposed to be.

Kendall sighed and carried James to his bed, laying him down carefully. James barely even moved, just rolled to pull his blanket back over him comfortably. Kendall stood for a moment.

"Thanks, Kendall," James murmured.

Kendall leaned down and slowly, carefully, placed his lips against James' forehead. The skin there was smooth, warm, smelled fantastic.

He pulled back to look at James eye-level. A pair of honey grey eyes stared back at him. For a moment, Kendall thought James was going to flip out and start screaming, be it about his complexion or Kendall being a pervert, but there was nothing.

Instead, James leaned up and kissed his cheek.

The touch of those petal lips was like fire to Kendall, and though they only lingered for a moment, he would never forget how it felt. It was amazing to have James, there, willing to touch and be touched, willing to let him in when he hadn't done so for anybody else. Kendall touched his cheek briefly, and James shut his eyes with a shy smile and a furious blush on his already rosy cheeks.

"Night, Kendall."

Kendall flopped onto his bed, stared at the ceiling, an indescribable feeling of elation and happiness coursing through him. He could still feel James' lips on his cheek. James could have hugged him. In fact, James hadn't really had to thank him for carrying him or anything like that.

"James?"

"Yeah."

"What was the thank you for?"

"For carrying me back to bed. You have comfy arms, Kendall."

"What about the… kiss?"

"That was for everything else."

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**A/N OH THE FLUFF! I can't believe I wrote this. Lol!**

**I live in Australia and every time I go to write "wife beater" I almost say "tank top." A tank top here is very loosely defined! Haha :) besides, tank top sounds girlier, and James isn't a girl. Thank all that's left in the world. soooo, please r and r, and THANKS SO MUCH to everyone who has reviewed/favourited/alerted/read this story! it makes me feel happy things 3 have a virtual cookie. all of you. ttfn!  
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	3. Chapter 3

**A/N YAY REVIEWS! Thanks for all the excellent ones I received!**

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"_You're really the prettiest thing I've ever seen."_

"_Mm." James was uncomfortable. He was fine with the kissing, but now Rick's hands were rising up into his hair and he wanted to yell, wanted to tell Rick that only Kendall could touch his hair like that, but no sound came from his mouth._

"_Don't," James said suddenly._

"_What?"_

"_Don't… don't put your leg there. Please." James tried to close his thighs, but Rick wouldn't move his own knee; James felt open, exposed, panicky. His heart was hammering against his ribs. He didn't want this._

"_I changed my mind-"_

"_Sorry, baby. No returns."_

_

* * *

_

"James, James, stop."

"No… I don't want to…"

Kendall helplessly pushed down on James' shoulders, trying to restrict his thrashing. His friend's face was covered with sweat and the blankets were mangled around James' legs, which were alternating between being open and rigid and shut and relaxed.

"Kendall, what – oh my God, Kendall, what's wrong with him?" Carlos stared at them from the doorway, looking like he was about to faint from fright.

"I don't know – go get Logan, wake him up-"

And then Carlos was gone. Kendall turned his attention back to James, who was crying in his sleep, begging for the person, Rick, to stop. Kendall's heart was pounding with fear – he'd never seen anyone this scared in his life.

"What's – James!"

Logan rushed over to the side of the bed, pushing Kendall out of the way. "What's happening?" he demanded.

"He's having a nightmare, I don't – I think it's about what happened the other day-"

"Don't hold him down. Let him go, let him go."

Logan touched James' face and recoiled; heat was rising off his skin and his cheeks were flushed a ruddy red. Logan saw that James' whole body was glimmering in sweat from the fever he was running. He didn't know what to do; it had come on so suddenly.

"Kendall," he said, "go get the thermometer and a wet towel from the bathroom. He's burning up."

"What about me, Logie?" Carlos asked anxiously.

"Go get the Tylenol."

Kendall was back by the time Carlos was leaving; Logan went to take the towel, but before he could, Kendall had smoothed it down over James' forehead, looking like he knew what he was doing. James' thrashing had stopped but he was shivering.

"Kendall?" James' eyes opened and darted around the room; he saw Kendall and Logan and seemed to relax a little. "What…?"

"You had a nightmare," Kendall explained quietly.

"And you've got a fever," Logan said. "Did you feel okay before bed?"

"I thought it was just a cold night," James croaked as Kendall stroked his forehead with the cool towel. Logan watched Kendall, watched his expressions go from fear to relief to grief to anguish in a few seconds. There was an indescribable affection in his gaze and Logan realised it like a ton of bricks had hit him in the face.

_Kendall loves James._

He didn't voice his thoughts; James' breathing was labored and sounded wet and sick. He picked up the thermometer and shook it out properly.

"I need to take your temperature," he said softly, and when James opened his mouth to reply, he slipped the thermometer under his friends' tongue.

Carlos skidded back into the room. "I have the Tylenol," he gasped out, running to the bed. "Here, Logie."

"He's not dying, Carlos," Logan said with a short laugh. Even James smiled a bit, but Kendall chewed his lip and simply gazed down on James, laying still and quiet.

The thermometer beeped and Logan took it. He flinched at the numbers.

"One oh two," he said quietly. "It's not anything to worry about yet, I suppose, but…"

"What's the verdict, Doctor Mitchell? Am I dying?"

If James hadn't been sick, Logan might have punched him. "No. But you should take it easy." Logan could barely tear his gaze away from Kendall, who was lightly stroking James' sweaty hair and still wiping at his forehead with the cloth, and James, who didn't seem to mind the attention at all.

"Okay." James shut his eyes tiredly.

"Just keep an eye on him, Kendall, make sure he takes these. Me and Carlos are going back to bed. There's nothing else to do, really."

"Okay," Kendall said calmly, but inside, he was freaking out. He had a pathetic bedside manner. He was pessimistic and awful when it came to things like this. However, he realised he'd been wiping James' forehead for ten minutes now and hadn't even really noticed.

"You need to take these," Kendall said quietly,

James swallowed the pills and lay back against the pillows. Kendall sat awkwardly for a while longer. When James was unable to go back to sleep, Kendall sighed and ceased his stroking of James' forehead.

"Wanna watch a movie?" he asked.

James cracked his eyes open and smiled. "Is that gonna be your pickup line every time I'm breaking apart?"

Kendall smiled back. "Not if you don't want it to be."

"Are you flirting with me, Kendall Knight?"

"Maybe. C'mon."

James pushed back the covers and stood shakily. He didn't fall down or collapse like Kendall expected, but he swayed, and Kendall stuck close by, hoping to prevent James from falling. They headed into the lounge room, and James curled up on the couch, shivering. Kendall grabbed a blanket and spread it over him, just like the other night, except James was awake this time… which made things decidedly harder to do.

It was hard to show a person you cared when they were wide awake.

"Thanks." James' voice was shaking with his shivers and Kendall turned on the DVD player, picking a random title and putting it in the machine. He glanced at James casually, then sat down on the couch beside him. James had his feet up and his knees tucked to his chest, but he still looked cold.

"Come here," Kendall said softly, his heart aching at James' suffering. He held out his arm and James scooched under it without hesitation; that surprised Kendall, who had thought James's snuggling of two nights ago had been due to emotional vulnerability and general drowsiness.

"What did you dream about?"

"That guy. Rick."

"Oh."

"In my dream you didn't come," James mumbled, pressing his face to Kendall's shirt. "He had his knee up between my legs. God, I feel disgusting, Kendall. Really dirty."

"You're not disgusting," Kendall said passionately. "You're beautiful."

James lifted his head and stared at him, and Kendall felt himself growing pink. He looked back at the movie, tried to get himself immersed in the shallow, mindless plot, but that wasn't happening. "Not that everyone doesn't know that," he muttered.

James smiled. "I'm glad you think so."

"Yeah?" Kendall asked.

"Yeah. I mean, I know that everyone else thinks so. But your opinion means more to me than anybody else's. Even Logan and Carlos."

"That's a big compliment."

Kendall thought that maybe the world was crazy, because they were missing this. They were missing the bolts of electricity that were flying between himself and James; they were missing two people falling in love. They weren't there to witness Kendall protect James, stave off the chills by rubbing his arms. They were missing the doey-eyed looks James was giving him.

Kendall thought it wasn't gonna get much better than this.

* * *

Watching Kendall and James fall in love with each other was one of the most amazing and beautiful things Logan had ever seen.

He watched them the next morning; James awoke coughing and almost unable to speak from a sore throat, and watched as Kendall ran around gathering water, throat lozenges and Tylenol. He watched as, every time Kendall left the room, James dragged himself upright feebly and stared at Kendall's exit point until he returned, only then sinking back to the nest on the couch.

Logan wondered if they knew they were falling for each other. He wondered if Kendall knew James was fragile right now and needed space. He wondered if James knew that Kendall needed James to love him, needed it like a drug.

It was astounding to Logan that they'd even managed to find one another. They were polar opposites in a lot of ways; Kendall couldn't care less about his appearance. James couldn't care more. Kendall was focused on others. James was focused on Kendall.

Yes, it was amazing. Amazing and beautiful and so many other things. It made Logan feel lonely, knowing that two of his best friends were falling totally head over heels for each other. The worst part was that they didn't know they were either. Logan guessed that they probably knew they liked one another – like that – but he also guessed that Kendall hadn't come out to James, not yet, and that neither knew the other was in love with them.

"Here, James." He put down a mug on the coffee table. "You should drink that. It'll help with the sore throat."

"James should eat more ice cream!" Carlos said excitedly.

"No I shouldn't," James croaked. "I'll get fat."

Logan looked at James disbelievingly. "You, James, will never be fat."

"That's what they said about my Aunt Bertha too, Logan."

"And what happened to her?"

"She's four hundred pounds."

"There's nothing wrong with being four hundred pounds," Carlos said to James soothingly. "It's what's on the inside that really counts."

"Not when people think you're gonna eat their kids," James retorted.

"Not to mention the health problems associated with carrying that much weight," Logan said. "For every ten pounds extra you carry your body has to create an extra twenty miles of veins, arteries and capillaries."

James stared at him.

"Logie," Carlos said. "People outside school don't like thinking."

"Speak for yourself, Carlos."

"Where do you learn this stuff?"

"School, James. Paying attention in biology does wonders."

"Pshh. I have better things to do."

Kendall exited the bathroom then, coming over and sitting closer to James than was probably necessary. Logan looked away to hide his smile. It was too cute.

"Like what?" Carlos demanded.

"Like focus on my complexion."

"James, your complexion is flawless," Kendall pointed out – and immediately blushed. James didn't seem to notice, and the way he puffed out his chest reminded Logan of a peacock showing off its feathers.

"I know. Thank you."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "You're welcome."

"Come on, Carlos. Let's go get everyone smoothies."

"Why me?" Carlos whined.

"I can't carry them myself."

The apartment door closed, and almost as soon as it had, James had sunk back into the couch and rubbed his eyes tiredly. Kendall surveyed him with concern, eventually pulling James' blanket up further, so it covered him almost completely.

"Thanks, Kendall."

"You don't have to pretend around them, James." Kendall moved closer to him. "They're your friends. They aren't gonna care that you're gay."

"I don't even care if they know that anymore," James mumbled through a yawn. "I don't want them to know that… that I'm hurting."

Kendall felt like he'd been stabbed through the gut. He stared at James for a moment, then pulled him close. He held James tightly around the waist and shoulders, pressing a kiss to the soft hair on the side of James' head.

James hugged him back feebly, resting his head on his shoulder. Kendall stroked his back and it felt warm and powerful against the dirty feeling that had been crawling all over him all day. He kept remembering Rick, Rick who had no respect for him, Rick who probably would have forced him had Kendall not come along and saved him when he did.

Suddenly, Kendall pulled back and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. James tinted pink, not that you could notice through the fever flush, as Kendall stroked his cheek tenderly.

"What was that for?" James asked quietly.

"You looked like you needed it."

James smiled a little. Kendall picked up the cup of tea on the table and passed it to him. "Logan said it would help your throat. You should try to drink some of it. He'll only force you later if you don't."

"Yeah. Okay." James took the cup and sipped at it; almost immediately, he spat it out, choking. Kendall anxiously rubbed his back.

"Are you going to be sick?"

"Please don't make me drink this. It's horrible."

"It can't be that bad."

"You try the tea then, it's DISGUSTING!"

Kendall, never one to back down from a dare, took the cup and sipped the tea. The bitter taste exploded in his mouth and left his taste buds screaming in agony; he swallowed valiantly, and his stomach almost revolted against the tea, which he thought was supposed to be lemon-flavoured.

"It's delicious."

"Whaat?"

"It's delicious. It's… it's… foul." Kendall dumped the tea down the sink and drank a glass of water. He retrieved one for James as well. James drank, and Kendall thought nervously about the smooth, tan skin of James' neck. He wondered what it would feel like.

"Kendall?"

"Yeah."

"I wanna tell Carlos and Logan that I'm gay. I just don't think I'm ready."

"Yeah."

"Rick was the first person I came out to." James wanted to tell Kendall the whole story, but he couldn't, not yet. It was too soon, and he still felt tender and sore about what Tim had done to him. Kendall being there had eased the terror but had left fear in its place. The fear was worse. When James was in a state of terror, he didn't think, just felt. When he was only afraid, he could think of a hundred thousand things that could have happened to him if Kendall hadn't come along.

"It's okay. I understand," Kendall said.

"Thanks, Kendall. You're a good friend."

Kendall didn't want to be James' friend, though. He wanted to be everything else.

* * *

**A/N and thus ends the third chapter. You like? I thought the banter was good. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**okay, i'm sorry i haven't updated. one of my friends committed suicide about a month ago. i've been working through a lot of shit. but she wanted me to finish this, so here we go. reviews are love. **

* * *

Kendall awoke that night to James' raspy coughing.

He was about to roll over and try to ignore it when the covers shifted and he felt James slide under them. He froze for a second, then felt how hard James was shuddering. He quickly patted James' back, attempting to help with the force of the coughing.

"Sorry, Kendall."

"It's fine, James." Kendall kept rubbing James' back as the coughing slowed and eventually stopped. James lay beside him, breathing hard, for a few minutes. Kendall swallowed nervously; this had to be the closest he'd ever been with James.

The bed shifted, and he realised James was getting up. "Where are you going?" he asked, and then wanted to slap himself around the face, hard, or get Camille to do it for him; he sounded so clingy and lost.

"Back to bed?" James croaked.

"Stay here."

James didn't argue like Kendall thought he might, but rather lay down on his side next to him. Kendall slid up behind him hesitantly and wrapped his arms around James' waist; James was shivering hard, and Kendall thought that he must have been cold wearing a tank top and boxers. Kendall leaned down and tugged up the spare blanket at the end of the bed, pulling it around James' shoulders and tucking it around his waist.

"There. Better?"

James nodded. Kendall kissed his hair and closed his eyes. He wondered what sleeping like this every night would be like; he wondered what it would be like if he always had James in his arms, not because he was cold but because he chose to be there.

* * *

"Kendall, James, breakfast is – oh."

Logan stopped and stared at the sight before him. He knew Kendall and James liked each other (even if they didn't know it) but hadn't realised it was this serious yet.

James still looked sick; his face was flushed and he was shivering, blankets piled across his body. The half of the bed that Kendall occupied only had the single blanket. Kendall was sleeping soundly, his arms around James' waist.

"Guys," Logan said with a smile. "Breakfast is ready."

James stirred but didn't wake; Kendall, on the other hand, lifted his head to stare at Logan blearily. "Huh?"

"Breakfast is ready."

"Okay."

"Is James okay?"

"Yeah… he was cold." Kendall rubbed his eyes with one hand. "Crawled into bed with me. He was still shivering when he tried to go back to his, so I told him he could stay."

"Shut up," James croaked. "I'm tired."

Logan sat on the edge of the bed and put the back of his hand to James' forehead. He found it to be surprisingly cool. "How are you feeling?"

"Cold." James shivered as if to prove his point and moved closer again to Kendall. "I'm not getting out of bed, Logie, it's too cold."

"That's okay. I don't see any feasible way you're going to be able to fight your way out of all those blankets anyway." They were mangled around James' legs in such a way that suggested Kendall had been pulling random ones out of the cupboard and covering whatever area was cold, rather than spreading them evenly.

"I don't wanna fight out of them," James muttered.

"That's okay. Kendall, are you coming to breakfast?"

"Uh…"

Logan saw it then. Kendall didn't want to leave James, didn't want to leave him sick and by himself in Kendall's bed. He wanted to make sure he was okay by staying with him, and Logan smiled a little. Typical Kendall.

"I'm okay, Kendall," James said.

Typical James.

"Alright," Kendall said uncertainly. "But if you need anything…"

"I'll get Logan," James croaked. "Last time you tried to give me medicine you gave me a tablespoon instead of a teaspoon."

"Kendall, you didn't," Logan admonished.

"It was an accident!"

"Come on. Let's just let James sleep for a little while."

Kendall looked at James, who had closed his eyes again. Once Logan left the room, he hurried back over to the bed and pulled the covers tightly around James, trying to keep him warm. James smiled, only a little but it was still a smile.

"Thanks."

"No problem," Kendall said. "Get me if you need anything."

"Yeah. Okay."

And with that, Kendall left the room.

* * *

"Hey, Kendall, we're going down to the pool," Logan said. "Do you wanna come?"

Kendall glanced at his and James' bedroom door. "Nah," he said softly. "I'm gonna stay here and look after James."

"He's asleep," Logan said. "I just checked."

Kendall shrugged. "He might need something."

Carlos smiled.

"Okay," Logan said. "See you soon."

They headed out, and Kendall stood up, looking around. He wandered over to the TV and turned it on, but nothing caught his eye; he tried to play the XBox but nothing was interesting enough to hold his attention.

"One really is the loneliest number," he reflected out loud.

"Let's make it two."

Kendall jumped and turned. James shuffled out of the bedroom, hugging his sides. He was dressed warmly in a dark blue sweatshirt and grey sweatpants but still looked cold. Kendall stood up and was going to go to James, but remembered how much James hated being treated like an invalid.

"What's wrong?" James asked.

Kendall shook his head, smiling. "I was just remembering that one time you wouldn't let the ambulance put you on a stretcher in hockey," Kendall said. "You walked off with me and Carlos supporting you and Logan yelling at the doctors and everybody else about how to do their jobs."

"So?"

"You had a fractured knee, James!"

James laughed hoarsely. "Mmm. I remember that." He walked over and sat next to Kendall on the couch; Kendall pulled the throw rug at the end down and tucked it around James' shoulders. He could see that James was shivering but still sweating.

"You were pretty stubborn," Kendall said.

"I still am," James reminded him, laughing again. "Where are Logan and Carlos?"

"They went to the pool," Kendall said. "They asked me to come but-"

"You said no." James smiled and blushed. "I heard that part."

There was a long silence, awkward, and Kendall almost but not quite said "gay baby" realising that James would probably find it offensive. He flinched, remembering how many times he'd said it before James had told him he was gay a few nights ago. Was each statement a blow to his best friend's self-esteem?

"You're over analyzing," James said.

Kendall looked at him, and James smiled a little, timidly.

"James," he said softly, angling his body to let James know he was gearing up for a Kendall rant, "listen, what… that guy did to you… it doesn't change anything between us."

_It changes everything_, Kendall thought, but he couldn't say that.

"I mean… we don't think any less of you or anything. I just wanted you to know that. You're our best friend, we love you."

_I love you._

"And… you know, some day, a really nice guy is gonna become your boyfriend. I don't know when, or who… but I know it'll happen. And he'll be great."

_But he won't be good enough. He'll never be good enough for you._

James shook his head. "I suppose you're right." He chewed his lip, though, seeming unsure. "But… right now, I'm not really feeling it. I mean… you have… or had… Jo, and Logan has Camille, and Carlos has Stephanie… and the Jennifers, I suppose… but me, I don't have anybody. Tons of girls admire me, or have a crush on me, but… they don't know me. And they probably wouldn't like who I am anyway."

"James, that's ridiculous. Everyone likes you except the people who are jealous of you. Besides, you can't make everyone in the freakin' world happy. You'd die trying."

James shrugged. "I didn't think that guy would be so forceful with me."

Kendall stood up. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" Kendall didn't have to look at James to know he was looking confused, probably sitting with his legs crossed Indian style on the couch. He braced his arms behind his head and furrowed his eyebrows.

"I wasn't there for you. You obviously… you were upset that day at rehearsal and I saw it. I just… I figured it could wait until morning. I'm sorry." Kendall wouldn't ever forgive himself for what had transpired; he had always known James to be perky, overconfident, completely self-assured. If his friends left him, well, Kendall had always assumed that James' drive and persistence when it came to his dream of being a pop star would fill the gaping hole left in their absence.

But since that night when Kendall had pulled the man off him, Kendall had known a different James – a James who was quiet, subdued, and more than that, vulnerable. Kendall had never seen James look as scared as he had that night in the bathroom, biting on his own knuckles and looking like if he wasn't, he was going to scream and fall apart right then and there, like Mr. Potato from Toy Story. He had almost seen Tim, James' molester, reflected in the pools of honey grey that were James' eyes. He never, ever wanted to see such an expression of pure terror on his best friend's face again.

James Diamond was not supposed to be scared of his own shadow. James Diamond was supposed to be unshakable, a girl magnet, a flirt, a cocky overconfident idiot who, as Katie so eloquently put it, was thirty percent arrogant, thirty percent ignorant and forty percent idiot. It wasn't a very kind description, and, Kendall realised, not very accurate either. The past few days had allowed him to get to know James, see what was really going on inside of that pretty head.

"I'm sorry," Kendall repeated.

"It isn't your-"

"I was too late to help you. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself."

He felt James' hand slip into his and turned. James was leaning forward, watching him with eyes bright with fever.

"You pulled him off me. That doesn't count as too late to me."

"If I'd been there for you in the first place-"

"I would have done it anyway, Kendall. I was curious. I needed to know if… if I really am gay. And the only way to do that was to try and test it, I suppose. Like Logan's science formulas."

"Logan tests those formulas under controlled conditions," Kendall mumbled, then sat beside James. He rubbed his friend's back when James started coughing, too late coming to the realization that his aftershave was probably irritating James' sinuses. For as long as Kendall could remember, James had had allergies and asthma – that weren't usually bad or life threatening until coupled with a cold. Sometimes it scared Kendall, to hear the way James breathed raggedly after performing in the studio for hours on end, the way he would fish around for his inhaler and try to hide it from his friends. James hated using it, but it was necessary.

"I can go shower," Kendall offered guiltily, seeing James' eyes were watering.

"It's okay," James choked. "Just allergies."

"I'll go get your inhaler." Kendall stood, but James suddenly grabbed his arm. Kendall turned to face him, finding James looking at him with surprise.

"You know where it is?"

"Sure. Your bedside table, the second drawer, hidden behind a whole bunch of scarves along with your anti histamines."

"I never told you that," James said quietly.

Kendall, jumping to the wrong conclusion, panicked and scrambled for a response. "I wasn't snooping through your stuff," he said earnestly. "I just saw you use it one night and I figured I might need to know where it was just in case. I know you didn't tell Logan where it was."

James gave him a small smile, and Kendall went and got the inhaler. He passed it to James, who stuck it in his mouth and pressed while sucking in a breath. Kendall didn't like the reminder that James had to take this thing to live, or at least live comfortably. Sometimes, when James had hayfever and his allergies were flaring up at the same time, Kendall was awoken by James' labored, distressed breathing in the middle of the night and would have to wake him before James suffocated to death.

James put the inhaler on the table and leaned into the couch, closing his eyes. Kendall watched him worriedly. He had seen James sick before – he had been there when James had had his appendix taken out when they were fourteen, and James was hallucinating under the effects of the drug – but Logan and Carlos and adults had always been there too, and he had never had the sole responsibility of looking after his best friend before. It was frightening.

"Logan left you instructions," James said softly.

"What?"

"Logan left you instructions. They're on the kitchen counter."

"I can't believe he left me instructions," Kendall muttered. He went to the counter and found a note stuck there.

Kendall,

James needs his temperature taken every 2 hours. Make sure he drinks lots of water, maybe orange juice. If his fever's over 101 give him some Tylenol or Nyquil for it. Keep him warm. He's probably not hungry.

-Logan

"Wow," Kendall said. "Well, these are detailed enough." Kendall reached into the bathroom cabinet and pulled out the thermometer. James eyed it suspiciously. He then looked up at Kendall, who geared up to defend himself against the kicked puppy expression he was about to get.

"I really don't like that thing."

Kendall sighed. "No one does, but Logan said I should check your temperature every two hours. Apparently you're supposed to have more medicine if it's higher than a hundred and one…"

"Why's the one make a difference?"

"One degree could fry your brain." Kendall stuck the thermometer in James' mouth and waited awkwardly for a while. After a minute, he took it out. He sighed at the numbers and looked at James' hopeful expression.

"Sorry. A hundred and two. Looks like some more Tylenol."

"I hate being drugged up," James mumbled.

Kendall opened the Tylenol bottle only to find it empty. He searched in the cupboard, but the only thing in there was Nyquil. He rubbed the bridge of his nose; James was not going to like this at all. He turned around, falsely cheerful.

"James."

"Yeah…?"

"Want something to eat?"

"Not… really," James said. "I'm not hungry."

"Something to drink?"

"No thanks."

"I'm going to make you some soup. That way you can drink your food. Besides, Logan says in his note that you need lots of fluids. And also that I need to keep you warm."

"Logan's not the president," James mumbled.

"I'll put a DVD on," Kendall said, rambling now in his nervousness. He could just ask James to take the medicine – a short "oh, by the way, the only thing we have in Nyquil which will probably make you drowsy but not enough to sleep" – but he highly doubted James would take it by request.

Said boy closed his eyes and then propped his head on his hands, looking tired. "Kendall?"

"Yeah?" Kendall sat down beside James, surprised by the soft tone of his voice.

"My head hurts," James said, even quieter.

Kendall sighed. "We're out of Tylenol. The only thing we have right now is Nyquil. I was going to spike your soup with it."

"That's okay." James shook his head lightly. "I'll take it now."

It was a measure of how bad James truly felt that he was willingly ingesting Nyquil, which made him nauseous and sleepy more often than not, and also, if his melodramatic claims were to be believed, dried out his skin and gave him breakouts of pimples.

"Okay, I'll get it for you."

Kendall read the instructions carefully, then brought the Nyquil back to James in a small medicine cup. James looked to be half-asleep, and Kendall figured the Nyquil would push him into dreamland quickly.

"Here."

"Thanks."

James downed the Nyquil and laid back on the couch. Kendall knelt beside it and stared at James worriedly.

"Sorry," James murmured.

"What for?"

James didn't answer, and Kendall rubbed the back of his head. James had closed his eyes and evidently the discussion was over; at least, Kendall thought it was until he went to stand. James grabbed his wrist and held him there for the third or fourth time that day and blinked up at him drowsily.

"Sorry."

"For what?" Kendall repeated. He wondered nervously if he'd given James too much Nyquil – then remembered that whenever James was near sleep, he would often say things you would never get him to admit while he was awake.

"I'm sorry I'm gay," James mumbled. "I can't help it. I tried to be normal like you and Logan and Carlos but it didn't work. It made everything worse."

"James, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Ten percent of America's population is. That's a lot of people. Being gay doesn't make you abnormal, it just makes up another part of who you are." Kendall meant the words – or rather, he meant them for James. He himself was convinced that it was not normal for him, Kendall Knight, to be gay. Rumors spread about James' sexuality like wildfire when he was the only one to not have a girlfriend. Nobody would be surprised if James did come out as gay. But Kendall? Kendall had nearly always had a girlfriend. People would see it as weird for him.

It was okay for James to be. It wasn't okay for Kendall.

"Are you sure?" James murmured.

"I'm sure." He laid his hand on James' hair and stroked it back. "Just sleep. Logan says you need rest."

"Logan says this, Logan says that," James said childishly. "Logan isn't God."

Kendall smiled. "Maybe not. But he is an aspiring doctor and smarter than you, me and Carlos put together, so maybe you should listen to him."

"Yeah. Okay."

"Okay," Kendall said with a smile. "Night."

"It's not night. Is it?"

"Alright, James, I'll see you when you wake up."

James nodded, and Kendall sat on the coffee table and watched his friend sleep. He scrubbed his face tiredly, remembering the way he and James had lain tangled together in Kendall's bed that morning when Logan had to get them. James' body had been fiercely warm against his own.

Kendall thought that nothing in the world could possibly compare to the feel of James' body next to his own.

* * *

**so there we have it. chapter 4. i'm halfway through chapter five, but it might take a while, depending on how things go. again, i'm really sorry for the long and very unintentional hiatus. thanks to everyone that left really lovely reviews last time :) and please leave more this time. 3**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry this took so long! D: by the way, I thought I'd clear this up – THIS IS IN NO WAY RELATED TO IN YOUR EMBRACE OR BOOM. This is a totally separate story. Haha :) also, this is going to go on a brief hiatus until I get the next few chapters written (so you guys don't have to wait huge amounts of time between chapters) I won't just abandon it like some authors do – if I decide to stop writing for whatever reason, I'll let you guys know and adopt it out to someone so they can finish. Haha :)**

* * *

James was quiet.

Kendall found that strange. James normally sighed a lot in his sleep, content, spread out on his back with the blankets pulled right up to his nose. James was a cold sleeper and always had been; Kendall was the opposite. While he slept in the lightest shirt he could find and boxers, James often curled up in sweatpants and a sweatshirt to sleep in.

Now, James was sleeping facing Kendall, curled on his side with his knees drawn to his chest and his hands curled beneath his chin, holding the covers there. James reminded him of someone who had been hurt so badly he wasn't sure they'd recover.

Kendall got out of bed and went to James', sitting on the edge and stroking his friend's hair just out of impulse. Although James' fever was getting better, slowly, the coughing and raw voice remained, meaning that James couldn't sing. James was breathing with difficulty at night, mostly because of the humid L.A air irritating his already sensitive lungs. Every now and then, Kendall would hear James panting harshly across the room, usually because he had covered his mouth accidently and couldn't breathe through his blocked nose.

James tensed and coughed under his hand, curling closer. It was then Kendall realised that James probably wasn't asleep. Sure enough, James cracked an eye open and looked at him tiredly.

"Kendall?"

"Hey."

"I'm sorry for keeping you awake." James coughed again. "Do you want me to go sleep on the couch?"

Kendall's heart squeezed. "No, of course not," he said softly. "Do you want me to see if I can find something for your cough?"

James nodded. "I can barely breathe."

Kendall found a few throat lozenges but the Nyquil was gone; he worried at his lip as he watched James suck the candy, scrunching his face up.

"What's wrong?" Kendall asked.

James shook his head. "It tastes gross."

The door creaked open and Logan stuck his head in, looking sleep-ruffled and tired. "What's going on?" he asked softly.

"I had a sore throat," James said, surprising Kendall, who was scrambling for the right words. "I guess I was keeping Kendall awake with all my coughing." He turned truly apologetic eyes upon Kendall and shrugged. "Sorry."

Kendall nodded, and Logan watched them for a moment. James was giving him a deceptively innocent look, made all the more effective by the tousled, wavy hair and sleepy expression on his face. It was a look that told Logan that his presence, while not exactly something undesired, wasn't very welcome either.

"I'm going back to bed," Logan said quietly. "Make sure you guys get some sleep."

Kendall felt a twang somewhere in his chest. Logan acted as if he didn't know how to look after James. Kendall wasn't denying that he wasn't the best choice – he could hardly look after himself most of the time – but at the same time, it was James. And Kendall would never let anybody hurt James.

"Do you think he'll come back for me?"

Kendall jerked his head around to look at James. James was pulling at a loose thread in the throw rug Kendall had spread over him before he himself had gone to bed. "I mean," James said softly, "do you think he'll give up and leave me alone or make my life hell?"

Kendall didn't have to ask who "he" was. He opened his mouth, unsure of how to respond, and found that his heart did it for him.

"Even if he does," Kendall said softly, "I won't let him have you. Promise."

James smiled at him. "Cool."

They looked at each other for a moment. James was lying down, Kendall still standing, and yet he felt pinned by his younger friend's gaze, pinned like a poster of Dak Zevon to a raving fangirl's wall. It was James' eyes that were doing it, too.

"James…"

James closed his eyes, and Kendall was released from the spell. He stared down at James, wondering if the sandy-haired boy knew just what he was doing to Kendall, or whether he was doing it unintentionally.

_Maybe I'm doing it to myself._

* * *

When Kendall was woken by the covers shifting and a cold draft seeping into his bed, his first thought was that Carlos was about to prank him, badly.

Then he wondered how much time had passed since he had been awoken by James' coughing. He rolled over, only to find his arms full of his shivering best friend, who was pressing as close to Kendall as he could get.

"James?"

"I was cold. Don't wanna wake Logan up. Or you. Sorry."

"That's okay," Kendall said, adjusting so James could squeeze in beside him. James was wearing a fleece hoodie and sweatpants, and Kendall could feel him shivering. He hesitantly put his arms around his best friend, rubbing his back, and felt the shivering cease.

"Is that better?"

"Much better." He felt the tip of James' nose against his collarbone, freezing cold with hot air huffing out. James still sounded like he was having trouble breathing. James' hair rubbed against his neck and Kendall suppressed the urge to jerk away from the tickling motion.

"Do you mind?" James asked.

"Of course not." Kendall tried not to read into James' clinging, needy actions – he was sick, away from home, probably missing his parents and siblings, looking for someone to make him feel better – and Kendall was the closest option. But it was hard not to – this was different to simply sharing a bed. No, they were snuggling, almost spooning with the way Kendall was holding James.

"I'll get a heater for you," Kendall said decisively, running his hand over James' spine. "We'll leave it on at night."

"You'll burn to death, Kendall," James mumbled.

"I'll be okay for a few nights."

James shuddered against him.

"That guy," Kendall said uncertainly. "Did you ever do anything else with him?"

"Only kissing. That once. When you pulled him off me." James rolled over, pressed himself flat against Kendall from hips to chest. He wound his arms around Kendall's waist and draped a leg over him. "You're like my own personal space heater," he murmured.

Kendall smiled. "Glad I can help."

"Are you?" James lifted his head sleepily. "You're really glad to be able to help me?"

"Of course."

James smiled. "Cool."

"You sound a little better."

"Yeah. I don't feel as sick either."

"Sick?"

"I was puking before. Quietly. So I didn't wake anybody up."

Kendall was upset by that. "You should have told me," he said. "I would have sat with you."

"I didn't want you to see me like that," James said.

Kendall was silent, listening to James breathe for a while, feeling James' warmth seep through his pyjamas and warm him despite the cold night. He held James a little bit closer and knew when his friend had drifted into sleep by the sudden slump in James' body.

Carefully, he moved his head so he could kiss James' hair, then shut his own eyes and waited for morning.

* * *

James woke up alone.

The bed was still warm, and James figured Kendall hadn't been gone all that long. He pushed himself upright on the palms of his hands, hips digging awkwardly into the mattress as he raised himself up and stretched. For the first time in a long time, James had woken up feeling okay. Not good, but not bad either. Just okay. It was a nice change.

Sighing, he climbed out of bed and grabbed a blanket, wrapping it around his shoulders. He began to shuffle out of the bedroom, watching as his breath misted in front of him in the cold air. Even LA had its wintry moments, and today was one of them. It was nearing Christmas, after all.

"Kendall?" he croaked out.

Nobody answered. Mrs. Knight was out doing various errands, Katie was at the school, and the rest of the band – well, James didn't know where they were, exactly, but they weren't here. He poked around in the fridge for a good five minutes, wishing something vaguely appetizing would magic itself in there, before accepting that he was still feeling nauseous and going to sit on the couch. Without Kendall, the world had suddenly grown a lot colder.

He was almost asleep again when he felt a hand on his face. He blinked his eyes open tiredly to find Kendall looking back at him in surprise.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. What are you doing out here? You were asleep when I left."

"I woke up," James explained croakily. "And nobody was here. I was looking for breakfast but I still feel sick."

Something strange flashed in Kendall's eyes right then, something James had never seen before, not in fifteen years of being Kendall's best friend. His sleepy, sickness-addled mind was too slow to comprehend the change before it was gone, though, and he shut his eyes again. The sunlight was stinging them.

"Come on," Kendall said softly, lifting James under the armpits. "You need to come back, James."

"What do you mean?" James asked faintly.

"You need to come back to us. The world isn't ending. Our lives… they're just beginning… don't do this to yourself. Please. Don't end up like… like my father."

James' eyes drifted slowly over Kendall's face. "I don't mean to."

"I know you don't. Neither did he."

"I'm sorry."

Kendall bowed his head to James' so their foreheads touched. Kendall just breathed quietly for a moment, savoring the warmth James radiated in spades. He stroked James' hair and was obscenely happy when the stroking wasn't rejected.

"Everything will be okay," Kendall said eventually. James believed him. Kendall was right most of the time. And even when he wasn't right things usually turned out okay. James couldn't help but feel that the world was boxing him in – he was trapped here, more than he had been in Minnesota, by his sexuality, his position in the band, this stupid cold that was keeping him indoors, his paralyzing fear of the man coming back to find him.

"Listen, James," Kendall said softly. "I have to go out for a little while. Gustavo wanted to see me. Will you be okay here?"

James nodded obediently because he couldn't make Kendall stay, so he may as well act like a man about him leaving. "I'll be okay."

Kendall smiled. "I'll be right back, then."

James stared as Kendall left. Without him.

* * *

"James!"

Logan bounded into the apartment with the kind of energy Carlos usually had, carrying the assignment he and James had completed together. He was surprised to see James sitting alone and despondent at the kitchen table.

"James?"

James jumped and turned. "Hi, Logan."

Logan moved into the apartment. "Where's Kendall?" he questioned, because ever since what happened it was rare if unheard of to see James without Kendall being at least two feet away. He noticed that James had his arms wrapped around his stomach and was staring at the place mat in front of him.

"He went out," James said.

"Are you hungry?" Logan asked. "Or do you feel sick?"

"I'm hungry."

Logan put their project down on the table, making sure James could see the A+ scribbled on the marking sheet. "I'm hungry too," he said, "I didn't get to eat breakfast. What do you want?"

"Logan…" James trailed off, staring at him.

"Come on." Logan smiled. "What do you want?"

James looked like he was about to protest again, then seemingly thought better of it and smiled a little. It was genuine, and Logan felt a surge of hope. Maybe his best friend was coming back to him. "Bacon and eggs," James said finally.

"Okay. Where'd Kendall go?"

"He said Gustavo wanted to see him."

Logan shrugged. "Fair enough."

They went about their business, talking quietly as Logan cooked. James stayed at the table, apparently too tired or lacking the motivation to move.

When Logan moved around the table to put the food in front of James, he stopped to grip his friend's shoulders in what he hoped was a soothing, comforting embrace. To his surprise, James leaned his head back against Logan's stomach and tilted his head towards Logan's left hand, cheek resting against the back of it.

"James." Logan was alarmed by the reaction.

"Sorry."

"What for?" Logan hesitantly stroked James' hair under his palm. It was ruffled and needed a wash – a sick James was a despondent, disinterested James.

"That guy." James shrugged helplessly. "He wanted to have sex with me. And Kendall's nice but I don't know what he wants from me. You're just my best friend. You won't confuse me."

Logan felt an uncharacteristic surge of anger. Whatever Kendall was doing to James, it sounded like it was hurting and confusing him, and Logan hated people taking advantage of his younger friend. James had enough to deal with already without copping it from his friends.

"I'm sure he doesn't mean to," Logan said, helpless to say anything else.

"Yeah. I know." James leaned forward and started eating his breakfast. Logan had definitely been surprised by that almost-hug, James leaning his head into his stomach – simply because assault victims usually had an aversion to touch. If anything, James had gotten touchier.

"Why aren't you scared of me?" Logan asked James just as they were both finishing their meals.

"You're smaller than me," James said.

"So's Kendall."

"Not by much. And he might be a little smaller but he's stronger. You and Carlos… you're both smaller than me. That man was bigger. So… I guess you're safe."

Logan nodded, understanding the psychology behind it. "Seeking comfort from someone who's less likely and less able to physically hurt you," Logan said, "and ignoring or submitting to someone who's taller and more capable. I've heard of that before."

James said nothing.

Logan got up and moved around to James' side of the table. He pulled out James' chair with James still sitting on it and guided him upright.

"Come on."

James said nothing as Logan led him to the bathroom. While Logan bent over and started running a bath, James sat on the toilet seat and stared into space for a while.

Logan managed to scrounge up some bubble bath and poured it in. James sniffed at the smell and allowed Logan to pull him upright. His hoodie was unzipped and shirt removed. The jeans came next, but Logan left his boxers on. James climbed into the bath with them on. Logan removed the showerhead from its place on the wall and turned it to a warm setting, running the water over James' legs and picking up a bottle of shower gel.

"Why are you doing this?" James asked.

"You looked like you needed someone to take care of you. Without confusing you," Logan said softly. He ran a hand over James' hair, smoothing it back from his forehead, and wet it so it was slicked backwards. He grabbed James' shampoo and lathered his hair gently, massaging his scalp.

"That feels nice," James murmured.

"It's supposed to," Logan said with a smile. He rinsed James' hair then, holding a hand gently over his friend's eyes to stop any shampoo leaking into them, even though they were closed. He conditioned James' hair next, then knelt beside the bath.

"Let me know when you want to get out," he said.

James blinked at his knees, then looked up at Logan. "Kendall will be back soon," James said softly.

Logan felt a twinge of exasperation. "He confuses you… and yet you're going to go back to him anyway, aren't you?"

"I don't know." James blinked. "I like spending time with you. I don't think I wanna see Kendall for a while. He confuses me and you don't." James smiled then, a real smile. "It's nice not being confused all the time."

Logan smiled back helplessly. "We can go somewhere," he offered. "Anywhere."

"Just friends?"

"I'm as straight as an arrow, James," he said with a smile. "Just friends."

"Best friends," James said.

"Yep. Now come on. We'll get you dry and dressed and go out for smoothies or something."

James' hand in his own as Logan pulled him from the bath was warm, and Logan was ridiculously grateful that he was able to take care of his younger friend. He reflected that nothing felt as good as knowing he'd done something to help someone who was obviously crying out for it.

* * *

**A/N sooo how was it? I love the fluffy bit at the end, that just randomly jumped in there. I'm thinking of writing a Jagan multi-chapter at some point. I've also recently become hooked on the movie The Faculty (1998, 20-year-old Josh Hartnett, need I say more) and I've started writing fics for that, so check them out :) REVIEWS ARE LOVE, and thank you SOOO MUCH to all the people who left me condolences about my friend. It meant a lot and stopped me from abandoning this story. :)**


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